Sometimes when I'm riding my bike at odd hours--like I've been doing for the past couple nights--it strikes me as kind of crazy that this is how we get around here: we just hook our purses over the handlebars and switch on our lamps and pedal off into the night. I could feel the ice crystals that had formed on my seat for the past three and a half hours seeping into my jeans and the wind flying into my face and up the sleeves of my not-entirely-fastened winter coat was COLD. Boston cold. It surprised me, and it got me thinking.
Orientation thus far has been a series of similarly sweaty, semi-awkward late nights fueled by Grolsch and European techno. My mentoring group, with whom I've toured the campus and shared chili con carne--you heard it here first--is comprised of a whole bunch of cheerful Europeans as well as a red meat-eating, football-playing fellow American. Thank. God. I love America and everyone in it for no other reason other than its familiarity, and I see nothing wrong with this affection.
This afternoon, washed in the golden, foggy rays of a Netherlands sunset, we saw the campus and the library and the meditation room (!) and the sports center and its zillions of rail-thin, self-assured, cute-boot-wearing students and I felt filled with possibility. But I didn't feel that possibility on the bike ride home tonight. I just felt my bones shivering and was acutely aware that if I just pedaled a little faster, I might be able to catch my family on Skype...for the second time in four hours.
I wish I could say that I'm happy right now. I really, really, desperately do. All the stars are aligning and everyone around me is laughing and the beer is flowing. There doesn't seem to be any earthly reason for me to be unhappy. Which makes me think that maybe I'm intentionally trying to make this not be the fantastic Eurotrip that it has the potential to be...in which case it's highly likely that my entire life thus far is the result of a concerted effort to make everything seem awful so that when it does suck, I won't be surprised.
And how I logicked myself into that conclusion, I will never truly know. Jesus.
It seems like the more I surround myself with incredible, awe-inspiring, new, different, exciting things, the more that I only want what I already have. Great friends. A loving, supportive family. A school where, for the first time in over two years, I feel like I finally fit. Who would ever give that up, no matter the possible gains?
I need to stop writing. I need to go to sleep and wake up in the morning and talk and see and move so much that I don't start thinking again. I need class to start. I need to get my brain moving. I need to plan trips. I need to distract myself from myself.
so this mainly echoes thoughts from my previous comment over on the group blog... but I totally and completely know how you feel. I can't believe I came here at what ended up being probably the most inopportune moment of my life - things were finally working just right at home and then I got on a plane.
ReplyDeleteIt does get better though. Classes will definitely help you out - stuff to do, you know? Skype me or something if you need to talk to somebody - like I said, I know exactly how you feel and feel rather similar in many ways.
I never ever thought I'd miss America like I do.
Mao! I'm sure at this point I'm just reiterating what other people have said, but I know what you're going through, and it does get better! Nijmegen will get familiar, you'll make great friends there, you'll feel like a part of that school, so on...
ReplyDeleteOr maybe you won't, I guess nobody can really say for sure, but you'll come home to your friends and family and Bah-stan school (that's me trying to write a boston accent) and realize that all you wanna do is go back to riding your bike at strange hours around your little dutch city.
I've been through a ton of different travel experiences, and I've dealt with the ups and downs of being in a foreign place and the ups and downs of returning to the states. Its not all bad.
Skype me! I think my username is kschrier
beautiful post!
ReplyDeletecheers, -p.p.
"Nijmegen will get familiar, you'll make great friends there, you'll feel like a part of that school, so on...
ReplyDeletebut you'll come home to your friends and family and Bah-stan school (that's me trying to write a boston accent) and realize that all you wanna do is go back to riding your bike at strange hours around your little dutch city."
That's exactly what it will be like. You just have to push through and try to let the experience take you over. Let me know anytime you want to talk. I have skype!
Hang in there love...All of the great things you have will still be here when you get back. Consider this as some one on one time with yourself to find out who you are and to enjoy a new scene. Going Dutch may never happen again, but we'll always be here! LOVE YOU!
ReplyDelete